英语每日一笑（天天更新）

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-19 11:52

TOM'S EXCUSE

Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slow".

汤姆的借口

老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到？

汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着："学校----慢行。"

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-19 11:52

DID YOUR DAD HELP YOU?

One day, Tim's mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right. The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised. He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?"
"No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim.

你爸爸帮你了吗？

一天，蒂姆的数学老师看了他的作业，发现他全做对了。老师很高兴，同时也十分惊讶。他把蒂姆叫到桌前说："蒂姆，你这次的作业全都做对了，怎么回事？你爸爸帮你做了吗？"
"不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做了。"

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-19 11:55

I CAN GO HOME.

One day after school the teacher said to his students, "Tomorrow morning, if any one of you can answer my first question, I will permit him or her to go home

earlier." The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard daubed. He was very angry and asked, "Who did it? Please stand up!" "It's me," said Bob, "Now, I can go home. Good-bye, Sir."

我可以回家了

一天，放学以后，老师对他的学生们说："明天上午，如果你们当中的任何一个同学能首先回答我的问题，我就准许他或她最先回家。"第二天，老师走进教室时发现黑板被涂得乱七八糟，他非常生气的问："谁涂的？请站起来！"鲍勃说："先生，是我，现在我可以回家了，再见！"

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-19 11:56

BUYING A HAT

A lady went to a hat shop to buy a hat. As she was very fussy, it took her a long time to pick on one. Already at the end of his patience the salesman was afraid that she might change her mind again so he tried to flatter her: "An excellent choice, madam. You look at least ten years younger with this hat on!" To his dismay, the lady took off her hat at once and said: "I don't want a hat that makes me look ten years older as soon as I take it off. Show me some more hats!"

买帽子

一位妇女到一家帽子店买帽子。她很挑剔，用了很长时间才选好了一顶。已经忍耐到极限的售货员害怕她再改变主意，便恭维她："你做了极好的选择，夫人。你戴上这顶帽子看上去起码年轻十岁！"但令他沮丧的是，这位女士马上摘下了她的帽子说："我不想要一顶摘下来便使我立刻显得老十岁的帽子。多拿一些帽子给我看看！"

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-19 11:56

MONEY AND FRIENDS

A: Which do you find more important, money or friends?

B: Friends, of course.

A: Why?

B: I can always borrow money from friends.

钱和朋友

甲：你认为钱和朋友哪一个更重要？

乙：当然是朋友。

甲：为什么？

乙：我总可以从朋友那儿借到钱。

哈哈哈哈 · 发表于 2008-1-19 14:08

A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead.” said the doctor,
　　Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." "Be quiet, "said the wife.”The doctor knows better than you!"

医生懂得多
　　一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院.他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:"我想他伤得很厉害."医生说:"我怕他已经死了."
　　听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:"我没死,我还活着."妻子说:"安静,医生比你懂得多."

cady · 发表于 2008-1-20 08:30

原帖由老于于 2008-1-15 09:09 发表
The Absent-minded Professor

An absent-minded professor was lecturing on anatomy.

"To show you more clearly what I mean, I have here a parcel with a dissected frog. I want you to examine it very ...

这个恶心~~~~~我控诉@！~

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-20 09:01

赵哥盟主我也来加瓦了嘿嘿

Mom:

Didn't I tell you if any guy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?

Daughter:

But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-20 09:04

英语幽默三字经
人之初：At the begining of life.
性本善：Sex is good.
性相近：Basically,all the sex are same.
习相远：But it depends on how the way you do it.
苟不教：If you do not practise all the time.
性乃迁：Sex will leave you..

教之道：The way of learning it
贵以专：is very important to make love with only one person.

昔孟母：Once a great mother, Mrs Meng
择邻处：chose her neighbour to avoid bad sex influence.

子不学：If you don't study hard,
断机杼：Your Dick will become useless.

窦燕山 Dou, the Famous
有义方 owned a very effective exciting medicine
教五子 All his five son took it
名俱扬 and their sexual ability were well-kown.

养不教 If your children don't know how to do it,
父之过 It is all your fault.
教不严 If they had lots of problems with it,
师之惰 their teach must be too lazy to tell them details on sex.

子不学 You may refuse to study this
非所宜 but that is a real mistake
幼不学 If you don't learn it in childhood,
老何为 you will lose your ability when aged

玉不琢 If you don't exercise your dick,
不成器 It won't become hard and strong.
人不学 If you don't learn sex,
不知义 You can by no means enjoy its sweetness

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-21 08:37

Not Knowing Her Well

Wife: Bill, the man in that house opposite always kisses his wife when he leaves in the morning and he kisses her again when he comes back in the evening. Why don't you do that too?

Husband: Well, I don't know her very well yet.

我跟她还不熟

妻子：比尔，住在对面那所房子的那个男人早上出门前总要吻一下妻子，晚上回来时再吻一下，你为什么不那样做呢？”

丈夫：哦，我跟她还不是很熟。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-21 08:37

No Problem

A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. "How can I help you?" asked the stylist. "I went for a hair transplant," the guy explained, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you $5,000."

"No problem," said the stylist, and he quickly shaved his head.

没问题

　　一个秃头的男人坐在理发店里。发型师问：“有什么可以帮你吗？”那个人解释说：“我本来去做头发移植，但实在太痛了。如果你能够让我的头发看起来像你的一样，而且没有任何痛苦，我将付给你5000美元。”

　　“没问题，”发型师说，然后他很快帮自己剃了个光头。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-21 08:39

Friend for Dinner

"Honey," said the husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

请朋友吃饭

　　“亲爱的，”丈夫对妻子说：“我邀请了一位朋友回家吃晚饭。”

　　“什么？你疯了吗？我们的房子乱糟糟的，我很久没有买过东西回来了，所有的碗碟都是脏的，还有，我可不想做一餐累死人的晚饭。”

　　“这些我全都知道。”

　　“那你为什么还要邀请朋友回来吃晚饭？”

　　“因为那个可怜的笨蛋正考虑要结婚呢。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-21 08:40

Whose Son Is the Greatest

The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor.'"

The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency.'"

"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence.'"

The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds," she said, "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God.'"

谁的儿子最伟大

　　四个神职人员的母亲聚在一起谈论自己的儿子。“我儿子是个牧师，”第一个骄傲的母亲说，“当他走进一个房间时，人们会说，‘您好，牧师。”

　　第二个母亲接着说，“我儿子是个主教，当他走进一个房间时，人们会说，‘您好，主教阁下。”

　　“我儿子是红衣主教，”第三个母亲继续，“当他走进一个房间时，人们会说，‘您好，尊敬的红衣主教。”

　　第四个母亲想了一会儿，说：“我儿子身高6尺10吋，体重300磅，当他走进一个房间时，人们都说，‘哦，我的上帝！”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-21 08:40

The Lost Purse

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

丢失的钱包

　　一位女士圣诞节大购物，在匆忙中丢失了钱包。有一个诚实的小男孩找到了钱包并还给她。

　　女士看着钱包，说：“嗯，真有趣。我丢失钱包的时候，里面有一张20元的钞票，但现在变成了20张1元的零钞。”

　　小孩马上回答道：“没错，小姐。上次我找到了一位女士的钱包，但是她没有零钱作酬金。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-21 08:42

I'll Go There Myself

There was once a landlord who always pretended he was knowledgeable though he was completely unable to read or write.

One day when the landlord was chatting with his guests, a servant came in and gave him a letter which asked him to lend a cow. The landlord was afraid that

his guests would know he was unable to read or write, so he opened the envelope and glanced over the words. Then he said to the servant, "OK, please tell him I'll go there myself in a few minutes."

我自己过去

　　从前，有一个地主是个既不会读也不会写的文盲，但他却偏要在人前装作很有学问。一天，当地主正和宾客聊天的时候，仆人走进来递给他一封信，信上请他出借一头牛。地主害怕被客人知道自己是个文盲，于是他打开信封，瞧了瞧信上的字，然后对仆人说：“好的，你告诉他我等一下自己过去。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-21 08:43

The Bad News and the Terrible News

Michael sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked Michael incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

坏消息和可怕的消息

　　迈克尔坐在律师的办公室里。“您想先知道坏消息还是可怕的消息？”律师问。

　　“先告诉我坏消息吧。”

　　“您的妻子发现了一张价值５０万美元的照片。”

　　“那就是坏消息？”迈克尔满腹怀疑，“我要等不及听那个可怕的消息了。”

　　“那可怕的消息就是那是一张您和秘书的照片。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-21 08:44

My Boss and I

When I take a long time, I am slow.

When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.

When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.

When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing.

When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.

I do good, my boss never remembers.

When I do wrong, he never forgets.

老板和我

我做事情花了长时间，是效率低；

老板做事情花了长时间，是深思熟虑。

我没有做完事情，是懒惰；

老板没有做完事情，是太繁忙。

没有人告诉我的事情我做了，是自作聪明；

老板做了同样的事情，是首创。

我取悦老板，是献媚；

老板取悦他的老板，是合作。

我干得好，老板从来不会想起；

我干得不好，老板从来不会忘记。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-21 08:45

Guns Buried in the Garden

An old man lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was in prison. The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone who would help him plow up the garden.

He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

埋在花园里的枪

一个老人独居在北爱尔兰，他的独生子正在坐牢。老人想在花园里种些土豆，但不知道谁可以帮忙把泥土翻松。他写信想儿子提及此事，儿子回信说道：“看在上帝的面上，千万不要翻松花园的泥土，我把枪埋在那儿了。”

第二天凌晨4点，一队英国士兵出现在老人家中，在花园把土地翻遍，但并没有找到任何枪支。”

老人写信告诉儿子这件奇怪的事情，问到底发生了什么事情，下一步应该怎么做。

儿子回信道：“你只管种土豆好了。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-21 08:46

Reason of Punishment

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

惩罚的原因

　　一天，小女孩从学校回到家里，对妈妈说：“妈妈，今天在学校里我因为一件我没有做的事情而受到惩罚。”

　　妈妈激动地说：“那真是太可怕了！我要跟你的老师好好谈一谈，对了，你没有做过的那件事是什么？”

　　小女孩回答说：“我的家庭作业。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-21 08:47

What time is it now?

The two boys were camping in the backyard. When they couldn't figure out what time it was, the first boy said to the second, "Start singing very loud."

"How will that help?" said the second boy.

"Just do it," insisted the first.

Both boys broke into song, singing at the top of their lungs. Moments later, a neighbor threw open her window and shouted, "Keep it down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"

现在几点了？

　　两个男孩子在后院露营，他们不知道到了晚上几点钟。于是，一个男孩对另外一个说：“我们开始大声唱歌就行了。”

　　“那就会知道时间吗？”第二个男孩问。

　　“只管唱吧。”第一个坚持道。

　　两个孩子开始大声唱歌，过了一会儿，一个邻居打开窗户喊道：“小声点！你们不知道现在是凌晨三点吗？”

英语每日一笑（天天更新）

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The Doctor Knows Better

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