英语每日一笑（天天更新）

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-16 08:08

I hung him up to dry
我把他吊起来让他晾干

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom，he’s dead."

Mary replied, "He didn’t hang himself, I hung him up to dry."

Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人。一天，他们沿着医院的游泳池散步，Jim突然跳入泳池的深水区，他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他，她潜到水底，把Jim拉了上来。

当院长听闻了Mary的英勇行为后，他立刻翻看了她的病历档案,把她叫进了自己的办公室，“Mary，我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告诉你。好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人，这说明你的意识已经恢复了，你可以出院了。坏消息就是，Jim，你救的那个病人，他还是用自己的浴袍带子在浴室上吊自杀了。”

Mary说：“他没有自杀，是我把他吊起来好让他晾干。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-16 08:09

Only one who could answer

His name was Johnny, and one day he came home from school looking so miserable that his mother was worried. “What is wrong?” she finally asked. Out of his trousers pocket, Johnny fished a note from the teacher which said, “Johnny has been a very naughty boy. Please have a serious talk with him.”

“What did you do?” asked mother.

“Nothing,” sobbed Johnny, “except that the teacher asked a question and I was the only one who could answer it.”

“H’m,” murmured mother, “what was the question?”

“Who put the dead mouse in my drawer?” answered Johnny.

只有他能答得出

约翰尼放学回家后脸色特别难看，他妈妈非常着急。“怎么了？”她问道。约翰尼从裤兜里掏出老师的一张便条，上面写着：“约翰尼这孩子非常调皮，请认真地和他谈谈。”

“你干了什么？”妈妈问道。

“没什么，”约翰尼抽泣道，“就是老师问了一个问题，只有我答得出。”

“嗯，”妈妈沉吟道，“那是什么问题呢？”

“是谁把死耗子放在我抽屉里的？”约翰尼答道。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-16 08:09

AN ENERGETIC WIFE

Neighbor: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night. What happened to you?

Husband: It was nothing. My wife was a bit cross, and threw my overcoat out of the window.

Neighbor: Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise?

Husband: I... I happened to be inside the coat.

精力旺盛的妻子

邻居：昨天夜里我听见你家屋前有很大的声音，你们出了什么事吗？

丈夫：没什么。我的妻子有点不高兴，把我的大衣给扔到窗外去了。

邻居：你的大衣？扔掉大衣怎么会有那么大的声音？

丈夫：我......我恰好也在大衣里面。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-16 08:10

She didn’t Say Anything

她什么也没说

A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room.

母亲和儿子在厨房洗碗的时候，父亲和女儿在屋里看电视。

Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.

忽然，传来打碎碟子的声音，而后一片寂静。

The girl looked at her father and said, “It was Mom”.

姑娘看了父亲一眼，说“是妈妈干的。”

“How do you know?” asked her father.

"你怎么知道?" 父亲问。

“She didn’t say anything.”

“她什么也没说。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-16 08:11

He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ’Betty Sue’ written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, ’Betty Sue’ was the name of the horse I bet on." She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he’s reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."

一个家伙正在看报纸，他的妻子走到他身后，用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。他问道：“这是为什么？”她说：“我在你口袋里发现了一张写有‘Betty Sue’的纸条。”他说：“哎呀，亲爱的，‘Betty Sue’是我赌的那匹马的名字。”她耸了耸肩，走了。三天后他正在看报纸，妻子走到他身后，又用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。他问：“这又是为什么？”她答道：“你的马打电话来了。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-16 08:11

Midway Tactics

Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"

The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"

The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".

中间战术

三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条林荫道上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。

右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”

左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”

中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-16 08:12

Worries Are Over

Girl: Remember that vase you always worried I would break?

Mom: Of course. What about it?

Girl: Your worries are over.

您的担心结束了

女孩：还记得您总是担心我会搞破的那个花瓶吗？

妈妈：当然啦，怎么啦？

女孩：您的担心结束了。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-16 08:13

"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I’d pulled you out, they’d chuck me in."

最好的奖赏

一名海军军官从甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。这位军官问如何都能酬谢他。

“最好的办法，长官，”这名水手说，“是别声张这事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他们会把我扔下去的。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-16 08:14

“喂，有什么好菜尽管端上来，钱多少我不在乎。”
　　服务员听了很不是滋味：“哥儿们，钱多顶个屁，你不照样得做别人的儿子，就是有人要你做孙子你也不敢不做！”
　　年青人勃然大怒：“谁敢占老子的便宜？你说，是谁不要命了，胆敢要老子做他的孙子？”
　　服务员慢条斯理地答道：“你爷爷！”

Grandson
　　A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:
　　"Serve me, quick! Give me your best. I don’t care the price."
　　Not like the way he talked, the waiter said to him: "Hey Buddy, it doesn’t matter you have a lot of money. You are still son of somebody, and grandson of somebody else."
　　The young man raged: "Dare you! Tell me, who wants me to be his grandson?"
　　The waiter replied with ease:"Nobody. Just your grandfather."

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-16 08:15

母亲的忠告

A mother’s advice to her daughter about choosing a man

   一个母亲给女儿关于选择男人的忠告

1．  You need a man who has a good job and is a good provider.

你需要一个男人，他有个好工作,是个好提供者。

2．  You need a man who worships you and treats you like a princess.

你需要一个男人，他崇拜你,对待你像公主一样。

3． You need a man who can make you laugh.

你需要一个男人，他能使你欢笑。

4． You need a man who can satisfy you physically.

你需要一个男人，他可以在生理上满足你。

5． You need to make absolutely sure that these four men never meet!

你需要绝对的肯定这四个男人永远不要碰到一块。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-16 08:15

A Kind Man

一个心地善良的人

A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

有一天，一位先生和他的朋友在当地的高尔夫球场打球。

He is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

正当他准备往绿地上打个低球的时候，他看见高尔夫球场旁边路上行进的葬礼长队。

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

他中途停下来，摘下高尔夫球帽，闭上双眼，一边祷告一边鞠躬。

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

他的朋友说：“噢，这是我见到过的最有人情味和最感动的事。你真是个心地善良人。”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

那人回答说：“是呀，我们结婚了35年了。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-16 08:16

Is John Listening

Teacher: John, why aren’t you listening?
John: But,teacher, I am listening!
Teacher: If you were listening, tell me what I said.
John: You said,"John, why aren’t you listening?"

约翰在听讲吗？
老师：约翰，你为什么不听讲？
约翰：可是老师，我正在听着呢？
老师：如果你刚才在听讲，告诉我我刚才说什么了？
约翰：您说：“约翰，你为什么不听讲？”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-16 08:16

Write Clearly
Tom:My teacher says I have to write more clearly.
John:That’s a good idea.
Tom:But then she will know I can’t spell some words correctly.

写清楚些
汤姆：老师说我必须写清楚些。
约翰：这是个好主意。
汤姆:可是那样一来她就会知道有些单词我不能拼写正确了。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-16 08:17

Dating for Mother

When the young waitress in the café in Tom’s building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. 　

One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, "Are you single?"

"Why, yes," Tom replied, smiling at her broadly.

"So is my mom," she said. "Would you like to meet her?"

约会

在汤姆工作的大楼里有一个咖啡屋，那儿总有一位小姐每天都和他打招呼。汤姆有些受宠若惊，因为这位小姐看上去至少比他年轻15岁。一天她又对汤姆招手并示意汤姆过去。于是汤姆走了过去。她问道，“您现在是单身吗？” “对，是单身，”汤姆满脸堆笑的说。 “我母亲也是，”她说，“您愿不愿意见见她？”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-16 08:19

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I’m the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what’s wrong and he answered, "What’s wrong? I work for 7up"!

四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"

hehe　我在百事

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-17 07:50

One evening, in the midst of dinner preparation, our 10-year-old daughter asked, "Mommy, what’s puberty?" My wife was rushed at the moment, so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary, after which they could talk about it.

A few minutes later, Peggy returned. Her mother asked what the dictionary had said. "Puberty means," announced Peggy, "the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children."

"What do you think of that?" my wife asked.

"I’m not sure," Peggy relied. "I’ve always been able to bear children. It’s adults I can’t bear.".

青春期

　　一天晚上，在准备晚饭的时候，我们十岁的女儿问：“妈妈，什么是青春期？”我的妻子此时正忙得不亦乐乎，所以她建议佩吉到字典上查这个词，然后她们可以再讨论它。

　　几分钟以后，佩吉回来了。她妈妈问字典上怎么说。

　　“青春期的意思是，”佩吉宣布：“一个女孩能忍受孩子的最早年龄。”

　　“你怎么想呢？”我妻子问。

　　“我不知道，”佩吉回答。“我总能忍受孩子。让我忍受不了的是大人。

Note: bear children: 生孩子。bear 一词也可作“忍受”讲。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-17 07:51

Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt’s house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.

The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, "Now here’s a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman."

"Like a gentleman?" Dick asked. "How do gentlemen do it?"

"They always give the bigger piece to the other person." answered his aunt at once.

"Oh" said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,"Cut this cake in half, Catherine.".

绅士

迪克年龄七岁，他的妹妹凯瑟琳五岁。一天，妈妈把他们带到姨妈家去玩，自己就到大城市去买些新的衣服。

孩子们玩了个把小时，在四点半的时候，姨妈领着迪克走进了厨房。她交给迪克一块精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，并对他说：“喏，迪克，给你刀子，把这块蛋糕一切为二，给你妹妹一块。不过，你得记住要做得像一个绅士那样。”

迪克问：“像一个绅士？绅士怎样做呢？”

他姨妈马上回答说：“绅士总是把大的一块让给别人的。”

迪克说了一声“噢”。他对此想了一会，然后，他把蛋糕拿给妹妹，并对她说：“凯瑟琳，你来把这块蛋糕一切为二吧。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-17 07:51

A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. "Now, children," said she , "has anyone of you ever make someone else glad?"

"Please, teacher,"said a small boy,"I’ve make someone glad yesterday."

"Well done. Who was that?"

"My granny."

"Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad."

"Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, ’Granny, I’m going home,’ and she said, ’Well, I’m glad’!"

我很高兴

一个主日学校的老师在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“现在，孩子们，”她说：“你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？”

“我，老师，”一个小男孩说：“昨天我就使别人高兴过。”

“做得好，是谁呢？”

“我奶奶。”

“好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。”

“是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：‘奶奶，我要回家了。’她说：‘啊，我很高兴！’”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-17 07:52

Mr. and Mrs. Taylor had a seven-year-old boy named Pat. Now Mrs. Taylor was expecting another child.

Pat had seen babies in other people’s houses and had not liked them very much, so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too.

One evening Mr. and Mrs. Taylor were making plans for the baby’s arrival. "This house won’t be big enough for use all when the baby comes," said Mr. Taylor.

Pat came into the room just then and said, "What are you talking about?""We were saying that we’ll have to move to another house now, because the new baby’s coming," his mother answered.

"It’s no use," said Pat hopelessly, "He’ll follow us there."

新生儿

泰勒夫妇有一个七岁的男孩，名叫帕特。现在泰勒太太正怀着第二胎。

帕特在别人家看见过婴和，他不太喜欢他们，所以他对自己家里也将有一个鹦儿的消息感到不满。

一天晚上，泰勒夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降生计划做安排。泰勒先生说：“有了婴儿，我们的房就太小，不够住了。”

帕特恰好在这个时候走进屋，他问：“你们在说什么？”他的母亲回答说：“我们在说我们现在得搬家，因为婴儿就要诞生了。”

“那没用，”帕特绝望地说。“他会跟我们到那儿去的。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-17 07:53

It’s His Fault

Billy and Bobby were small boys. They were brothers, and they often had fights with each other.

Last Saturday their mother said to them, "I’m going to cook our lunch now. Go out and play in the garden - and be good."

"Yes, Mummy," the two boys answered, and they went out.

They played in the garden for half an hour, and then Billy ran into the kitchen, "Mummy, " he said, "Bobby’s broken a window in Mrs. Allen’s house." Mrs. Allen was one of their neighbors.

"He’s a bad boy," his mother said. "How did he break it?"

"I threw a stone at him," Billy answered,"and he quickly moved down.".

英语每日一笑（天天更新）

评分

评分

评分

评分

评分

评分

评分

评分

评分

评分

评分

评分

评分

评分

评分

评分

评分

评分

评分

评分