英语每日一笑（天天更新）

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-1 16:16

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

一家消声器店外："根本不用预约，我们听到你来了！"

2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

酒店门外："帮帮忙！我们缺少常住小酒馆的人。"

3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

接待室的桌上："三个一轮！我们要毫不留情地赶走第三个推销员！注：第二个刚刚离开。"

4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"

兽医的候诊内："稍候5分钟。趴下，别动！"

5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

在电气公司："如果你送来钞票，我们会很高兴；如果你不送，就会被断电。"

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-1 16:16

6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

电脑专卖店门上："出去找一个更快的字节。"

7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

餐馆橱窗："别饿着肚子傻呆在那儿，进来吧，吃顿饱饭！"

8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

在保龄球馆："保持安静，我们需要倾听大头针落地。"

9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

在墓地的前院："开车当心，我们会等着你的。"

10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

在咨询师办公室："变老是由上帝控制的，变聪明是由自己控制的。

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-4 11:02

Tom call Jim's name:"I can't bear such a foolish!"
and Jim say:"You mother could (bear)!"
汤姆对着吉姆骂道:"我受不了你这个苯蛋了!"
吉姆说:"你妈妈能!"
附:bear 有两重意思:"生"和"忍受"这个笑话正是根据这点.

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-4 11:03

Mother sent Tommy to the store across the street to buy a good box of matches.When Tommy came back,mother asked him,”Did you buy a good box of matches?”
“Yes,Mum.”Tommy replied,”I have tried them all.”
一盒小火柴
妈妈让汤米去马路对面的商店里买一盒好用的火柴。汤米回来后，妈妈问他，“你买的是好用的火柴吗？”
“是的，妈妈。”汤米回答，“我把它们都试过了。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-4 11:03

Father:Uh,oh,I think I just made an illegal right-hand turn.
Susie:That is okay ,dad,the policeman behind you just did the same thing!
开车
父亲：哎呀，我刚才违规右转弯了。
苏西：没事，爸，跟在你后面的警察也这么转了。

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-4 11:05

Little Robert asked his mother for tow cents.”What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?”
“I gave it to a poor old woman,”he answered.
“You’er a good boy,”said the mother proudly.”Here are tow cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?”
“She is the one who sells the candy.”
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆。”他回答说。“你真是一个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说. “再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-4 11:05

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked,”What happened?”
“A kid bit me,”replied Ivan.
“Would you recognize him if you sew him again?”asked his mother.
“I’d know him any where,”said Ivan.”I have his ear in my pocket.”
他的耳朵在我的衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口。”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说，“他的耳朵还在我的衣兜里。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-4 11:06

Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

Notes:
(1) inform v.告诉
(2) nest n.窝；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓励
(5) resemble v. 相似；类似

18.鸟窝与头发
我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外的树上垒了个窝。
“是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。
“我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。
“那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。
“哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-4 11:07

I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。

我刚咬破自己的舌头
“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。
“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”
“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-4 11:07

A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"

摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-19 08:41

A Girl Just Like Mother

No matter which girl he brought home， the young man found disapproval from his mother． A friend gave him advice．

“Find a girl just like your mother—then she's bound to like her．

So the young man searched and searched， and finally found the girl．He told his friendly adviser：

“Just like you said， I found a girl who looked，talked，dressed， and even cooked like mother．And just as you said，mother liked her”

“So，”asked the friend，“what happened？”

“Nothing，”said the young man．“My father hates her！”

37．和母亲一样的女孩

无论带哪一个女孩回家，这位青年人总会遭到母亲的反对。一位朋友劝他说：

“找一个和你母亲一样的女孩——那她一定会喜欢她。”

于是这位青年人不停地找啊找，终于找到了这么个女孩。

他对他友好的忠告者说：

“正像你说的那样，我找到一个长相、谈吐、穿着打扮，甚至连烹饪都和我母亲一样的女孩。也正像你说的那样，我母亲喜欢她。”

“那后来呢？”朋友问。

“没什么，”青年人说。“我父亲讨厌她！”

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-19 08:41

What Is a Traitor？

Young hopeful：“Father，what is a traitor in politics？”

Father（a veteran politician）：“A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one．”

Young hopeful：“Well then，what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours？”

Father：“A convert，my son．”

36．什么叫叛徒？

有希望的青年人：“父亲，什么叫政治叛徒？”

父亲（一位老资格的政治家）：“叛徒指的是离开我们党而加入到另一个党的人。”

有希望的青年人：“那么，离开他的党而加入到我们党的人又叫什么呢？”

父亲：“叫改变信仰者。我的儿子。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-19 08:41

Stray Thoughts Of an Idler

He who sleeps catches no fish，—but he who keeps awake catches crabs every moment of his life．

All professions can yield a man enough to live on，—except professions of faith．

When attending the performance of some modern operas，it has struck me that the conductor was only beating time because he could not beat the composer．

If in the sight of the law all men are equal， Heaven save us from getting into its sight．

When you want to get rid of a dog， you take off his collar；—when the king wants to get rid of a minister， he give shim the collar—of the Order of the Annunziata．

The place where they ruin people's voices， and throw aside all the canons of art，is called the Conservatoire；and a hospital full of sick peopk is called a“house of health”（Casadi Salute）．

Among the many motives which induce me to stay away from the theatre is the utter absence of all motive in modernoperas．

How many old phrases are required to make a new electoral programme！

All musical notes may express cheerful ideas； it is only thenotes of creditors which arouse none but melancholy reflections．

I entered the shop of a pork butcher at the moment when his son， aged eight， was returning from school． The poor boy was weeping bitterly．

“The old story！”exclaimed his parent ；“I suppose you did not learn your lessons， and the master called you an ass， as you deserved！”

“Yes！” replied the child， sobbing，“he did call me an ass，—and then—”

“Well，—and then —what else？”

“He said，‘well， after all， it is no wonder—like father，like son！’”

“Did he，indeed？the animal！”exclaimed the porkbutcher．“And to think that perhaps he has not yet eaten the whole of those two sausages I sent him at Christmas！”

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-19 08:42

闲人遐思

“眠者不得鱼”——但醒者一生时时刻刻捕到的却是螃蟹。

各种职业都可赖以为生——除了信仰的宣言。

观看某些现代歌剧演出时，我忽然悟到，指挥之所以仅仅只是打拍子，是因为他打不着作曲者。

上天保佑我们别进入法律的视界，即使在法律看来人人平等。

你不想要某条狗了，就取下它的领圈——当国王想摆脱某大臣，就给他戴上领饰——圣母玛丽亚荣誉骑士团的领饰①。

毁坏人们的噪音并抛弃一切艺术法规的地方叫作音乐学校（Conservatoire）；住满病人的医院则被称为“健康之屋”（Casa di Salute）。

种种动机促使我躲开剧院，其中之一就是因为现代歌剧完全没有主题②。

得用多少老词儿，才能编一套新的选举纲领！

所有的音符都能表达欢乐的思想；唯独债权人的信函③唤起的全是忧愁的念头。

我走进杀猪屠夫的铺子，他八岁的儿子正好放学回家。

那可怜的孩子哭得好伤心。

“准又是老事重演！”他父亲吼道，“我想一定是你没记住功课，老师骂你是蠢驴来着，你也就配挨骂！”

“不错，”孩子回答，一边抽泣着，“他确实叫我蠢驴来着，—然后—”

“然后——还有什么？”

“他说，‘说来倒也不奇怪——有其父必有其子。’”

“他真这么说了？那个畜生！”杀猪的大喊，“而且想想看，我过圣诞送他的整整两大根肉肠只怕还并没吃完呢！”

[ 本帖最后由老于于 2008-2-19 08:43 编辑 ]

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-19 08:44

Useful Lesson

In England nobody under the age of eighteen is allowed to drink in a public bar．

Mr． Thompson used to go to a bar near his house quite often，but he never took his son，Tom，because he was too young． Then when Tom had his eighteenth birthday， Mr．Thompson took him to his usual bar for the first time．They drank for half an hour， and then Mr．Thompson said to his son，“Now， Tom，I want to teach you a useful lesson．You must always be careful not to drink too much． And how do you know when you've had enough？ Well， I'll tell you．Do you see those two lights at the end of the bar？ When they seem to have become four，you've had enough and should go home．”

“But， Dad，” said Tom，“I can only see one light at the end of the bar．”

40．有益的教训

在英国，十八岁以下的人不准进酒吧喝酒。

汤普森先生以前常常去他家附近的一个酒吧喝酒，但他从来不带他的儿子汤姆去，因为他年纪太小。后来，当汤姆年满十八岁的时候，汤普森先生第一次带他去他常去的那家酒吧。他们喝了半个小时，而后，汤普森先生对他儿子说：“汤姆，现在我要告诉你一个有益的教训。你必须时时小心不要喝得太多。你怎么知道你喝够了呢？好，我来告诉你。你看见酒吧那头有两盏灯吗？当那两盏灯看起来变成四盏的时候，你就喝够了，应该回家了。

“可是，爸爸。”汤姆说：“在酒吧那头我只能看见一盏灯。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-19 08:44

The Country Squire

In a small pretty village in Notting ham shire there formerly lived a respectable Squire， who excelled all his friends in amusements athletic， and whose manner of living was far from ascetic． A wife he had taken for better or worse， whose temper had proved an intolerant curse；but at length， to his great and unspeakable joy， she died when presenting a fine little boy．Strange fancies men have；—the father designed to watch o’er the dawn of his son's youthful mind，—that，only approached by the masculine gender， no room should be left him for feelings more tender．“Had I ne’er seen a woman，” he often would sigh，“What Squire in the country so happy as I！” The boy was intelligent， active， and bright， and took in his studies uncommon delight；no juvenile follies distracted his mind； no visions of bright eyes， or damsels unkind， and those fair demisisterly beings so gay， yclept“pretty cousins， ne’erpopped in his way； till at length this remarkably singular son could number of years that had passed twenty one．”

Now the father had settled， his promising son should his studies conclude when he reached twenty one；and he went，with a heart beating high with emotion， to launch the young man on life's turbulent ocean．As they entered the town，a young maiden tripped by， with a cheek like a rose， and a lightlaughing eye．“O father， what's that？” cried the youth with delight， as this vision of loveliness burst on his sight．“O，that，” cried the cautious and politic Squire， who did not they outh's ardent glances admire，“is only a thing called a Goose，my dear son ；we shall see many more ere our visit is done．”

Blooming damsels now passed with their butter and cheese，whose beauty might even an anchorite please：“Merelygeese！” said the Squire，“don't mind them，my dear；thereare many things better worth looking at here．” As onwards they passed， every step brought to view some spectacle equally curious and new；and the joy of the youth hardly knew any bounds， at the roped ancers， tumblers， and merry gorounds．

As soon as the tour of the town was completed， the fatherre solved that the boy should be treated； so， pausing an instant，he said，“My dear son， a new era today in your life has begun；now of all this bright scene and the gayeties in it，choose whatever you like，it is yours from this minute．”“Choose whatever I like？” cried the jouthful recluse．“O， thank you，dear father， then give me—a goose！”

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-19 08:44

乡绅

从前，在诺丁汉郡的一个美丽的小村庄里住着一位可敬的绅士。他玩起体育竞技游戏来比所有的朋友都高强，过的日子绝不是苦行僧式的。不管是福是祸，他娶了个妻。结果她脾气奇坏，成了个难以忍受的灾星。终于，她在产下一玲珑佳儿后死去，乡绅先生的万分欣喜自是不可言传。人不时会突发奇想。这位父亲决定亲自督察儿子年幼的头脑的启蒙，务必使他接触的都是男性，绝不留下余地萌生更温柔的感情。“倘我从不曾见过女人，”他常常叹息道，“全国的乡绅里谁人能有我快活！”那男孩聪明、活泼而又通达事理，异常地喜欢学习。从不因小孩子的胡闹而分心；从没有明亮的眸子，或狠心的小妞，或被谓之“妩媚表亲”、半似姐妹的放肆尤物突然出现在他面前。到最后，这位非同寻常、出类拔萃的儿子终于度过了21个年头。

父亲决定，他的前途无量的儿子在21岁时应该结束学业。于是他满心激动地带领年轻人启航进入汹涌的人生之海。当他们进城时，正有一少女款款经过，腮如玫瑰，眼笑流波。“哦，父亲，那是什么？”当那可爱身影闯入他的眼帘时，年轻人快乐地喊道。“噢，那个，”谨慎而讲究谋略的乡绅根本不赞赏儿子热烈的目光，于是大声说，“不过区区一笨鹅而已，我亲爱的孩子，我们一路还会见到很多的。”

携奶油乳酪的如花少女络绎而过，就是隐士也会被她们的美丽打动。“不过是些笨鹅！”乡绅道，“我儿不必放在心上，此间有许多事物更值得一观呢。”他们继续前行，每一步都见到同样新奇有趣的景象，年轻人看到走绳索的，翻斤斗的，和旋转木马等等，其乐也无穷。

小城之行一结束，父亲就决定要款待儿子。于是，他停顿片刻后说，“我亲爱的儿子，今日起你的生活开始了一个新的时期。现在，在所有这眩目景象及种种赏心乐事中，选出你最喜爱的，你立刻就能得到它。”“由我任意选择？”年轻的隐居者大叫，“啊，谢谢你了，父亲，那就给我一只笨鹅吧！”

realstone2 · 发表于 2008-3-5 19:50

感谢楼主的无私奉献啊

Young_MAN · 发表于 2008-10-10 13:15

还有么
才到3月份就结束了？

becks_huang · 发表于 2010-3-13 20:26

"I can not bear a fool"said the lawyer to a farmer,
"You mother could"said the farmer.

英语每日一笑（天天更新）

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感谢楼主的无私奉献啊