英语每日一笑（天天更新）

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-27 10:58

There was once a person who was very stingy.

One day he tried to cross a river by himself,

but he slipped because the current was

extremely strong. And then the current swept

him away, down the middle of the river. So

he shouted, "Can anyone help me? I'll give

you money!"  There was a person on a boat

nearby and he said, "OK. For fifty dollars I'll

help you." But the man in the river replied, "

Fifty dollars! That's too expensive. I'll give

you twenty."  So the person on the boat said,

"No, no, that's too cheap."  By now the man

in the river was trying very hard to breathe

and was even swallowing some of the river

water. So he said, "OK, OK, thirty dollars!"

But the person on the boat said, "No, no.

Forty dollars is my last price."  And the man

in the water said,
"I - I - I'd rather die!"

以前有一个人非常吝啬。有一天，他想自己涉水过河，

不料因为水流很急，而失足滑落河里，被河水冲到河

中央。于是他大喊救命：「有谁能救我，我就给他

赏金！」这时附近正好有一艘小船，船上的人说：

「好！给我五十元，我就救你。」那个溺水的人

却说：「五十元太贵了，给你二十元好了。」

船上的人说：「不行、不行！太少了！」这时，

河里那个人已经呼吸困难，而且又呛了好几口水，

于是他说：「好啦！好啦！那三十元！」船上的

人说：「不行，四十元是最底价！」那个溺水的

人说：「那我…我宁可淹死！」

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-27 11:00

There was a couple that was having an argument in their home over financial problems. And the wife finally got very mad, and exploded saying, "You should know that if it weren't for my money,
this television set wouldn't be here. If it weren't for my money, that easy chair that you're sitting
on wouldn't be here, either. And, if it weren't for my money, this house wouldn't even be here!"
And then the husband said, "Are you kidding? If it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here,
either!"

　　一对夫妻为了家计问题而争吵不休，最后，太太怒不可遏，大发雷霆地说道：「你要知道，要不是我的钱，也不会有这台电视，也不会有你坐的舒适摇椅，甚至也不会有这栋房子！」先生说：「真是开玩笑！要不是为了你的钱，我也不会在这里！」

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-27 11:01

There was a Russian teacher who walked into a Russian class for the first time to see his students. He brought in his dog, and he told the dog to sit, stay, come, go, roll over, drop dead and so on. The dog did exactly as the teacher commanded, and so the teacher said, "See class, Russian is so easy that even a dog can understand it."

有一位俄文老师走进一个班级里，为学生上第一堂俄文课。他带了他的狗进来，然后用俄语命令狗做一些像是坐下、留在原地、来、去、打滚、躺下来等等动作，这只狗准确地照指挥做了那些动作。老师接着跟学生说：「同学们，你们看，俄文这么简单，连狗都听得懂！」

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-27 14:00

21．A Reasonable Affliction
Matthew Prior

On his deathbed poor Lubin lies；

His spouse is in despair；

With frequent sobs and mutual cries；

They both express their care．

“A different cause，”says Parson Sly，

“The same effect may give：

Poor Lubin fears that he may die ；

His wife，that he may live”．

21．合理的哀伤
马修·普赖厄

可怜的鲁宾躺在他的病床里；

他的妻子陷入绝望；

频频啜泣，相对哭啼，

他们都表达着忧伤。

“不同原因，”滑头牧师说，

“可产生同样结果：

可怜的鲁宾怕他会死；

他老婆，怕他会活。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-27 14:02

15．A Lesson in Reading
by Leigh Hunt

I had a schoolmate who had come into school at an age later than usual，and could hardly read．There was a book used by the leaners in reading called“Dialogues between a Missionary and an Indian．”It was a poor performance，full of inconclusive arguments and other commonplaces．The boy in question used to appear with this book in his hand in the middle of the school，the master standing behind him．

The lesson was to begin．The poor fellow，whose great fault lay in a deep toned drawl of his syllable and the omission of his stops，stood half looking at the book，and half casting his eye towards the right of him， whence the blows were to proceed．The master looked over him，and his hand was ready．I am not exact in my quotation at this distance of time ；but the spirit of one of the passages that I recollect was to the following purport，and thus did the teacher and his pupil proceed：

Master．“Now，young man，have a care ；or I'll set you a swingeing task．”（A common phrase of his．）

Pupil（making a sort of heavy bolt at his calamity，and neverremembering his stop at the word“Missionary”）．Missionary Can you see the wind？

（Master gives him a aslap on thehcheek．）

Pupil（raising his voice to a cry，and still forgetting his stop）．“Indian No！”

Master．“Zounds，young man！have a care how you provoke me！”

Pupil（always forgetting the stop）．Missionary How then do you know that there is such a thing？”

（Here a terrible thump．）

Pupil（with a shout of agony）． Indian Because I feel it．”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-27 14:02

15．诵读课
李·亨特

当年我有个同学，入学比常规的年龄要迟，而且几乎完全不会读书。那时有个学生用的阅读课本，叫做《传教士和印第安人的对话》。课本不怎么样，尽是不得要领的论说和一些老生常谈。那孩子常常手拿该课本出现在学校中央，身后站着教师。

授课即将开始。那可怜的学生的毛病在于他读音节时语调深沉地拖长腔并略去应有的停顿。他站立着，三心二意地看着书，一面向身子右边瞄去，因为打击将会来自那个方向。教师盯视着他，手已摆出了打人的架势。因为时隔已久，我的引述可能不很确切，但就我所忆，先生和学生的一次对话的要旨大致如下：

老师：“年轻人，小心点；要不我可要让你狠狠吃点苦头。”（这是他的口头禅。）

学生：（大难临头，身体猛然一摇闪，根本记不得在“传教士”一词后应该停顿。）“传教士你能看见风吗？”

（教师扇了他一耳光。）

学生：（提高了嗓音，几乎是在哭喊，但仍不记得要停顿）“印第安人不能啊！”

教师：“该死！年轻人，小心点别惹我发火！”

学生：（一如既往漏掉停顿）“传教士那你怎么知道有这样一种东西呢？”

（这时来了重重一击。）

学生：（痛苦地叫喊）“印第安人因为我感觉到了。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-27 14:03

17．Our Tails

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours．Then he started again，and said he：“Let me ask the evolutionist a question—if we had tails like a baboon，where are they？”

“I'll venture an answer，” said an old lady．“We have worn them off sitting here so long．”

17．我们的尾巴

教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？”

“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-27 14:03

18．Who Was the First Man？

A teacher said to her class：

“Who was the first man？”

“George Washington，”a little boy shouted promptly．

“How do you make out that George Washington was the first man？”asked the teacher，smiling indulgently．

“Because，”said the little boy，“he was first in war，first in peace，and first in the hearts of his countrymen．”

But at this point a larger boy held up his hand．

“Well，” said the teacher to him，“who do you think was the first man？”

“I don't know what his name was，”said the larger boy，“but I know it wasn't George Washington，ma’am，because the history book says George Washington married a widow，so，of course，there must have been a man ahead of him．”

18．谁是第一个男人？

有个老师问班上的学生：

“谁是第一个男人？”

“乔治·华盛顿，”一个小男孩当即叫道。

“你怎么知道乔治·华盛顿是第一个男人呢？”老师问道，宽容地微笑着。

小男孩说：“因为他是战时第一，和时第一，国人心中第一。”

这时一个大点儿的男孩举起手来。

“那么，”老师对他说，“你认为谁是第一个男人呢？”

“我不知道他的名字，”大点儿的男孩说，“但我知道不是乔治·华盛顿，老师。因为历史书上说，乔治·华盛顿娶了一个寡妇，所以在他前面肯定还有一个男人。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-27 14:04

19．Good Intentions

One day a boy came to his teacher and said：“Teacher，pawants to know if you like roast pig．”

“I certainly do，”said the teacher，“and you tell your father he is very kind to think of me．”

Days passed，and nothing more was said about the roast pig．

Finally the teacher said to the boy：“I thought your father was going to send me over some roast pig．”

“Yes，”said the boy，“he did intend to，but the pig got well．”

19．良好的心愿

一天有个男孩去对他老师说：“老师，我爸想知道你是不是爱吃烤猪肉。”

“当然啰，”老师说，“去告诉你父亲，多谢他想着我。”

好几天过去了，再没提起烤猪肉的事儿。

最后老师对男孩说：“我以为你父亲要给我送点烤猪肉来呢。”

“是啊，”孩子说，“他是这么想的，可后来猪又没病了。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-27 14:05

20．Two Men

A party of visitors were being shown round a lunatic asylum．They came across one individual in the grounds，with wild eyes，dishevelled hair，feverishly endeavouring to catchflies and keep them in his pocket．

“His was a sad case，”said the attendant．“Whilst he was at the war his wife abandoned his home and ran off with another man．”

“Terrible，”said a visitor．

Presently they came to a padded cell，in which could be heard a raging as of a wild beast．

“That's the other man，”said the attendant．

20．两个男人

一群游客被领着参观一所疯人院。在院子里他们遇见一个人，他长着一双疯狂的眼睛，头发蓬乱，正狂热地设法逮住苍蝇，把它们装在他的口袋里。

“他的病很惨，”陪同人说。“在他当兵打仗的时候，他的妻子抛下他的家和另一个男人私奔了。”

“真可怕，”一个游客说。

不久他们来到一间安上软垫的小屋前，听见里面传出野兽般的怒吼。

“这就是那另一个男人，”陪同人说。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-27 14:12

22．Dinner

“I've had a had day at the office，dear，and I'm as hungry as a bear．Is dinner ready？”

“No love．I'm afraid we'll have to go to a restaurant tonight．I've broken the tinopener．”

22．晚饭

“亲爱的，今天办公室的活可真够累人的，我饿极了。晚饭做好了吗？”

“没有，宝贝。恐怕我们今天晚上得上饭馆去吃。我把罐头刀弄断了。”

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-29 10:21

AN ENERGETIC WIFE

Neighbor: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night. What happened to you?

Husband: It was nothing. My wife was a bit cross, and threw my overcoat out of the window.

Neighbor: Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise?

Husband: I... I happened to be inside the coat.

精力旺盛的妻子

邻居：昨天夜里我听见你家屋前有很大的声音，你们出了什么事吗？

丈夫：没什么。我的妻子有点不高兴，把我的大衣给扔到窗外去了。

邻居：你的大衣？扔掉大衣怎么会有那么大的声音？

丈夫：我......我恰好也在大衣里面。

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-29 10:22

THREE PEOPLE

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "they've got three people buried in one grave."

三个人

有一个人参观墓地时见到一块墓碑上写着：“在这里安息的是约翰凯利，一个律师，一个诚实的人。”“这是怎么回事！”他叫了起来。“他们在一个坟墓了埋了三个人。”

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-29 10:23

HIS FAULT

Billy: Mother, Bobby broke a window.

Mother: How did he do it?

Billy: I threw a rock at him and he ducked.

他的错

比利：妈妈，波比打坏了窗玻璃。

妈妈：他怎么打的？

比利：我向他扔石头，他躲开了。

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-29 10:23

GOOD ADVICE

the portly sales manager was getting ready to leave his doctor's office after a routine examination. "Here," said the doctor, "follow this diet, and I want to see three-fourths of you back here for a check-up in three months."

忠告

臃肿的销售经理做过常规体检后，正要离开大夫的诊室。“听着，”大夫说，“遵守这个食谱，我希望3个月后再来这儿体检时能见到四分之三的你。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-29 10:25

这些我都发过了

热狗 · 发表于 2008-1-29 20:15

好东西！！！

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-1 16:14

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor

一名艺术家问画廊老板，最近有没有人对他展出的画感兴趣。“这有好消息和坏消息，”老板回答。“好消息是有一位先生咨询你的作品，他想知道在你死后你的画会不会升值。我告诉他你的画会升值，他就把你的15幅画全都买走了。”

“真是太好了”，艺术家是喜形于色，“那坏消息是什么？”带着关心的口吻，画廊老板回答，“买画的人是你的医生”。

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-1 16:14

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

一家消声器店外："根本不用预约，我们听到你来了！"

老于 · 发表于 2008-2-1 16:15

Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

酒店门外："帮帮忙！我们缺少常住小酒馆的人。"

英语每日一笑（天天更新）

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