英语每日一笑（天天更新）

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-24 09:19

7．Limerick

There was a young lady of Niger，

Who smiled as she rode on a tiger．

They returned from the ride

With the lady inside

And the smile on the face of the tiger

7．打油诗

有个尼日尔小姑娘，

笑咪咪骑在虎背上。

他们兜风回返，

姑娘到了里边，

笑容挂在了虎脸上。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-24 09:25

17．Our Tails

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours．Then he started again，and said he：“Let me ask the evolutionist a question—if we had tails like a baboon，where are they？”

“I'll venture an answer，” said an old lady．“We have worn them off sitting here so long．”

17．我们的尾巴

教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？”

“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-24 10:27

There was a lady from the countryside who
came to the city and checked into a hotel.
Then she said to the bellman, "I refuse to
take a tiny room like this, with no window
and no bed in it! You can't treat me like a
fool just because I don't travel much! I'm
going to complain to the manager!" So
the bellman said very politely, "Madam,
this isn't your room. It's the elevator!"

有一位乡下妇人进城去。她到
一家旅馆登记住宿后，对提行李的服务生
抗议说：「你们怎么可以给我这么小的房间，
既没有窗户也没有床！你们别以为我不常
旅行就想骗我！我要找你们经理申诉！」
那个服务生很客气地回答：「夫人，这里
不是你的房间，这是电梯！」

哈哈哈哈 · 发表于 2008-1-24 15:16

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son: "I will choose my own bride!"

Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son: "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"

Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"

Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

爹对儿子说，我想给你找个媳妇。儿子说，可我愿意自己找！爹说，但这个女孩子是比尔盖茨的女儿！儿子说，要是这样，可以。然后他爹找到比尔盖茨，说，我给你女儿找了一个老公。比尔盖茨说，不行，我女儿还小！爹说，可是这个小伙子是世界银行的副总裁！比尔盖茨说，啊，这样，行！最后，爹找到了世界银行的总裁，说，我给你推荐一个副总裁！总裁说，可是我有太多副总裁了，多余了！爹说，可是这个小伙子是比尔盖茨的女婿！总裁说，这样呀，行！

----生意就是这样做成的！

总结：即使你一无所有，你也可以得到任何东西，但这需要你有一个积极进取的态度。

This is how business is done!!

Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-25 08:59

我发过中文的 LS的妹子这么快就翻译过来了

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-25 09:00

A little kid fell in love with another little kid, a school mate. Sometimes the kids think they fall in love when they have a crush on someone else in the class, when they’re eight or ten years old or something like that. So the eight-year-old kid came back home and asked his father, “Father, is it
expensive to be married?” And the father said, “Yes, son, it is very expensive.” So the son asked, “How much does it cost?” And the father said, “I don’t know, son. I’m still paying.”

有个小孩爱上了另一个小孩，对方是学校的同学。八岁或十岁左右的孩子有时会迷恋班上某个人，然后就以为自己恋爱了。因此这个八岁的小孩回家问他爸爸：「爸爸，结婚很花钱吗？」爸爸说：「是啊，儿子，非常花钱。」儿子又问：「要花多少钱呢？」爸爸说：「我不知道，儿子，我到现在还一直在付钱啊！」

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-25 09:13

原帖由 benben89 于 2008-1-25 08:59 发表
我发过中文的 LS的妹子这么快就翻译过来了

这妹子可不好惹辣妹子

哈哈哈哈 · 发表于 2008-1-25 10:25

竟敢在俺的地盘里放肆！

What time is it now?
The two boys were camping in the backyard. When they couldn't figure out what time it was, the first boy said to the second, "Start singing very loud."
"How will that help?" said the second boy.
"Just do it," insisted the first.
Both boys broke into song, singing at the top of their lungs. Moments later, a neighbor threw open her window and shouted, "Keep it down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"

现在几点了？
　　两个男孩子在后院露营，他们不知道到了晚上几点钟。于是，一个男孩对另外一个说：“我们开始大声唱歌就行了。”
　　“那就会知道时间吗？”第二个男孩问。
　　“只管唱吧。”第一个坚持道。
　　两个孩子开始大声唱歌，过了一会儿，一个邻居打开窗户喊道：“小声点！你们不知道现在是凌晨三点吗？”

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-25 10:52

Judge: I don't understand why you broke into the same store
three nights in a row.
Prisoner: Well, Your Honor, I picked out a dress for my wife,
and I had to change it twice because she didn't like the style.

法官：我真不明白你为什么连续三天夜里闯入同一家商店呢？
犯人：噢，阁下，我为我妻子挑选了一件衣服，因为她总是不喜欢衣服的样
式，所以,我才不得不去换了两次。

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-25 12:10

中午睡觉前讲个笑话

A man approached a beautiful woman in a supermarket
and asked her, “You know, I've lost my wife here in
the supermarket. Can you please talk to me for a few
minutes?” The woman asked him, “Why?” “Oh,
you know, because every time I talk to a beautiful
woman, my wife will appear out of nowhere!”
　
在超市里，有位男士走向一位美丽的女子，问她说：
「我在超市和我太太走散了，你能和我聊天几分钟吗？」
这位女子问道：「为什么呢？」「喔，因为每次我和
美女讲话时，我太太就会出其不意冒出来！」

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-25 16:10

Two farmers met with each other, and the first one
said, “Didn’t your horse have that disease that
was going around?” The friend replied, “Yes, he
did! He had it bad.” “So, what did you do for
him?” asked the first farmer. “Well, I dosed him
good with a half pint of linseed oil, a tablespoon of
turpentine, and three tablespoons of castor oil.”
A few days later, the two farmers met again. The
first farmer asked his friend, “Didn’t you tell me
you gave your horse a half pint of linseed oil, a
tablespoon of turpentine, and three tablespoons
of castor oil?” The second said, “Yes, I sure did!”
The first farmer exclaimed, “I thought that’s
what you said, but when I gave it to my horse, he
died!” And the friend said,
“Of course! Mine did, too!”

两个农夫相遇，第一个农夫说：「你的马不是感染了正在
流行的疾病吗？」他的朋友回答：「是啊，它被传染了！
病得很重呢！」第一个农夫又问：「那你怎么照顾它？」
「我喂它喝足了半品脱的亚麻仁油、一大匙松节油和三大
匙蓖麻油。」过几天后这两个农夫又碰面了，第一个农夫
问他的朋友：「你不是跟我说，你喂你的马喝了半品脱亚
麻仁油、一大匙松节油和三大匙蓖麻油吗？」第二个农夫
说：「是啊，没错！」第一个农夫大声叫道：「我记得你
是这么说的，但是我喂我的马喝下那些东西后，
它却死了！」第二个农夫说：

「这是当然的啦！我的马也死了啊！」

什么都不懂 · 发表于 2008-1-25 17:49

恶作剧
　　愚人节的庆祝方式是，拿亲朋好友和同事开玩笑，以此来愚弄他们。由于愚人节不是一个（法定）节日，因此很多人忘了这个日子的含义，把自己弄得毫无防备。最传统的玩笑就是让人白跑腿儿，但现在，花样可能要复杂得多。以下就是一些人们的最爱：

　　False errands

　　These types of pranks are best played on newcomers at work. Some popular ones include sending someone to the maintenance room to ask for a rubber hammer and glass nails or asking someone to go to another department for ten meters of shoreline.

　　Phone pranks

　　Just about everyone knows a good phone prank. A classic one involves getting a few friends to call the same number over a period of one hour asking for a Mr. Smith. Just when the victim starts to get really angry about all these people calling looking for a Mr. Smith call one more time and say, "Hi. This is Mr. Smith. Are there any messages for me?"

　　Other phone pranks are based on names that sound like something else. For example, you could call the zoo and ask for a Mr. Albert Ross.

　　Table Tricks

　　When nobody is looking fill up a sugar bowl with salt and watch as the victim puts a few spoons in their coffee. Most ketchup users will shake the bottle before putting it on their food. Loosen the top on a bottle of ketchup and watch as the shaker covers himself in the stuff.

　　Time Difference

　　This is a favourite in college dorms. When your roommate is asleep reset his/her alarm clock so that it is an hour slower.

　　Confetti Rain

　　Place confetti inside a closed umbrella in your home or office and pray for rain on April 1st.

　　False Advertising

　　Publicizing a false event or product is another favourite trick of students. For example, you can print leaflets stating that free lunches will be given to students that day at a certain restaurant. Sit outside and watch the fools arguing with the waiters about their right to free food.

　　Hot Seat

　　Put some hot substance, such as Deep Heat, on a toilet seat and watch people leave the bathroom only to turn around and quickly run back in again.

　　Missing Vehicle

　　Take someone's car keys when they are busy and move their car to a different location. Watch as they frantically ③pace up and down by the place where they parked their car.

什么都不懂 · 发表于 2008-1-25 17:50

赖狗的智慧之
1.Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.唉！又浪费了一天。
　　2.Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.千万不要拘束！来打扫厨房吧。

　　3.Don't bother me. I’m living happily ever after.别打扰我了，否则我今后的日子会很好过的。

　　4.Do I look like a freaking people person?你看我是不是一个奇怪的人们人？

　　5.This isn't an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.这里不是办公室，是地狱通上电后的景象。

　　6.Don't bother me. I’m living happily ever after.别打扰我了，否则我今后的日子会很好过的。

　　7.Do I look like a freaking people person?你看我是不是一个奇怪的人们人？

　　8.This isn't an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.这里不是办公室，是地狱通上电后的景象。

　　9.If I throw a stick, will you leave?如果我给你一大棒，你可以走了吗？

　　10. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.我也很喜欢猫。来交流一下食谱怎么样？

　　11. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.自相矛盾？怎么说呢，有点和根本没有。

　　12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?外星人是不是忘了拔掉你屁眼上的探针？

　　13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.不管你脸上挂什么表情，你就是错过了。

　　14. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees城市郊区的居民就是把树们全砍倒再以他们的姓氏命名街道的人。

　　15. Do they ever shut up on your planet?他们也冲你们星球大喊大叫吗？

　　16. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.是你的眼球吗？我发现它们夹在镊子里面了。

　　17. I'm not your type. I’m not inflatable.我不是你那种类型。我是不可充气式的。

　　18. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.我尽量把你想象成一个人。

　　19. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.立方体就是一间添满东西的没有门的房子。

　　20. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.压力就是当你醒过来时发出凄厉的尖叫，意识到你根本就没有睡着。

　　21. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!别着急。我也想不起你叫什么名字了！

　　22. Adults are just kids who owe money.大人就是自己有钱的那种小孩。

　　23. You say I'm a bitch like it’s a bad thing.我说我是婊子，好象多不光彩似的。

　　24. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?香水倒是好香水，不过你非得拿这玩意儿当洗澡水使吗？

　　25. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.乱成一团，惊慌不已，神经错乱。我今天的工作已经做完了。

　　26. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. 如果我想听吧嗒吧嗒的声音的话，不用劳您大驾，我让我自己的猫穿上我自己的鞋子晃两圈就成。

　　27. You look like shit. Is that the style now?你看起来真像一堆屎。现在是不是流行这种风格？

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-25 18:24

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.我尽量把你想象成一个人。

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-26 08:29

A son came home with the worst marks and the worst certificate in his class. When his father saw the grades, he became very, very angry and said, "You always fail in class! Look at the neighbor; he's always the first one. You're always the last! Tell me, what's wrong with you? Doesn't your teacher ever teach you anything?" And the son said, "Yes, yes, just this morning, she taught us, 'Like father, like son.'"

一个小孩拿成绩单回家，他是班上成绩最差的一个。他的爸爸看了成绩单以后非常生气，责骂他说：「你的功课老是殿后！你看邻居的小孩，总是得第一名，你却每次都拿最后一名，告诉我，到底怎么回事？难道你们老师什么都没有教你吗？」儿子说：「有啊，有啊，今天早上，她还教我们『有其父必有其子』。」

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-26 08:30

There were two lovers who had known each other not very long, so they shared strong mutual feelings. One day they went dancing and stayed out very late, yet they were reluctant to part even after they got out of the car. They hugged each other over and over again, talking endlessly. At this time, a young man happened to park his car near them. He got out of his car, went up to them, hesitated for a moment, and then returned to his car, where he stayed and looked at them again. After a short while, he came over again, hesitated, and then returned to his car. He repeated his action several times. At last he stood on the other side of the road and stared at the couple, apparently at a loss. He put his hands in his pockets, then behind his back, and then in his pockets again, all the time staring at the two lovers. Finally, the male lover couldn't put up with it anymore. He ran up to the man and asked, "You have been staring at us for half an hour. What exactly do you want?" "Well, I was trying to enter my house, but you were standing in the way, and I couldn't get in!"

有两个情人刚认识没多久，所以感情还是非常浓缩.有一天，他们去跳舞，回来的时候已经很晚了，两个人下车了还舍不得走，站在这互相握手，走几步又在那边握脚，然后站在路边讲话，一直留恋不走。这时候有一个男孩子刚好也是在那个地方停车，他下车以后，就从车子那边跑到他们两个人面前，楞了一下，然後又再跑回他车子那边，站在那边一直看他们；等一下又跑过来他们两个人讲话的地方，然後又犹犹豫豫，又再跑回他停车看来看去好像不晓得该怎么做，一下子将手放在口袋面，一下子又放在背后，然後又再放在口袋面，就这样一直看来看去，盯着那两个人看。终于，那个男的情人受不了了，就跑过去问他：「你已经盯着我们看了半个小时了，你到底要做什么？」那个人说：「我没有要做什么啦，我本来要进去我家，但是你们两个站在那，我没办法进去！」

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-26 16:26

怎么没人来?

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-26 16:27

Once a woman was stopped by the police, and the police officer asked her, "You were driving 70 miles an hour in a 50 mile-per-hour zone. Did you know that, ma'am?" So the woman said, "Yes, sir, I know." Then the officer said,"At least you're honest. So, why were you driving so fast?" And the woman replied, "I'm sorry. It's because I didn't see you."

警察拦下一位女士，问她说：「小姐，这个路段限速五十公里，你却开到七十公里，你知道吗？」那位女士回答：「警察先生，我知道。」警察说：「好，你至少很诚实。那为什么你还开这么快？」她说：「抱歉！因为刚才没有看到你。」

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-26 18:26

today it is holiday

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-27 10:56

今天怎么没人讲笑话了?

英语每日一笑（天天更新）

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人生MBA（最高级的空手套狼）

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