英语每日一笑（天天更新）

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-22 08:12

Big Hands

Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?

Student: Big hands.

大手

老师：如果我左手有7个橙子，右手有8个橙子，那么我有什么？

学生：一双大手。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-22 08:13

What soldiers?

Wife: Dear! Take a look at those soldiers gawking at the lovely young girl passing by.

Husband: Soldiers? What soldiers?

什么士兵？

妻子：亲爱的！快看那些士兵，他们看经过的那位漂亮女郎都看得发呆了。

丈夫：士兵？什么士兵？

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-22 08:13

Five Hundred Times

In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You are a school teacher, eh?" said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times."

五百遍

　　在中西部一个大城市的交通法庭里，一位年轻女士被带到法官面前，她由于开车闯红灯被开了罚单。女士向法官解释，她是一名学校老师，请求法官马上处理她的案子，以便可以赶回去上课。法官眼中闪过一丝狡黠，说道：“你是学校的老师，对吗？女士，我马上要实现今生的愿望了。在那张桌子旁坐下，写‘我开车闯了红灯’500遍。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-22 08:14

To Give Up the Seat

Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy

"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

让座

小约翰告诉妈妈：“早上我和爸爸坐公车时，他让我给一位女士让座。”

“好，你做得对。”妈妈说。

“但是，妈妈，我那时正坐在爸爸的大腿上。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-22 08:15

Saving Lives

At a pre-med university in St. Louis, we had to take a difficult class in physics. One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

救人

　　在圣路易斯的一所医学院预科大学，学生必须修一门很难的物理课。一天，教授正在探讨一个特别复杂的概念，一个学生粗鲁地打断他的话，问道：“为什么我们一定要学这种东西？”

　　“为了救人。”教授很快回答，继续讲课。几分钟后，那个学生再次大声坚持：“那么物理怎么救人呢？”教授回答：“它通常可以把你这种笨蛋赶出医学院。”

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-22 09:50

Skipping a Generation Is Still Sweet Revenge

A grandmother gave a water pistol as a birthday
gift to her grandson. So he was squeezing and
squashing it everywhere, splashing all over,
and the mother was very, very disturbed.
She looked sternly at her own mother, the
grandmother. “I’m surprised at you, mother!”
“Why?” “Don’t you remember how we used
to drive you crazy with water guns?”
The grandmother said, “Yes dear, I remember!”

甜蜜的报复

　外婆送给孙子一枝玩具水枪作为生日礼物。结果孙子

拿着水枪玩耍，喷得到处都是水，让妈妈非常生气。

她板着脸看着自己的母亲，也就是那个祖母，说道：

「妈，您让我感到很讶异！」「怎么啦？」

「您不记得以前我们是如何用水枪让您抓狂的吗？」

「亲爱的，我记得啊！」

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-23 08:14

ONLY A FEW WORDS

At a court the judge is interrogating a mugger but gets into difficulty because the mugger is a foreigner who doesn't speak English. "Don't you speak English at all?" the judge asks. "Only a few words," replies the mugger.

"What words do you know?"

"Your purse or your life!"

几个英语词

法庭上法官正审问一个抢劫犯，由于该犯是一个不会说英语的外国人，审问很困难。"你一点英语都不会说吗？"法官问。"我只会说几个词。"抢劫犯回答。

"你会说哪几个词？"

"你是要钱还是要命！"

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-23 08:14

DON'T BE SELFISH

A mother is admonishing her son.

----Now, John, don't be selfish. Let your little brother share the bicycle with you.

----But Mother, I do. I ride it down the hill, and he rides it up the hill.

别太自私

一位母亲在劝告她的儿子。

"听着，约翰，别太自私，让你的弟弟和你共用一辆自行车。"

"妈妈，我是让他。我先骑下坡，他再骑上坡。"

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-23 08:15

TWO HEARTS BEATING

Nurse: How do you feel after your operation?

Patient: Quite alright, only I can feel two hearts beating inside me.

Nurse: No wonder the doctor who operated on you was looking for his watch everywhere just now.

两颗心脏在跳动

护士：手术后你感觉怎样？

病人：十分好，只是我能感觉到我体内有两颗心脏在跳动。

护士：怪不得给你做手术的大夫刚才在到处寻找他的手表。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-23 08:16

AN ANGRY WIFE'S PRAYER

A man is so addicted to gambling that he often comes home late. His wife never stops railing at him. Once he is detained at his office and comes home late. His wife accuses him of gambling again but he swears he was detained in his office. "I pray to God that you are speaking the truth", his wife says.

"May God strike me dead if I am lying."

"Then I pray to God that you are lying", his wife said hopefully.

一个发怒妻子的祈祷

一个男人因嗜赌而经常回家很晚，为此他妻子从没停止过骂他。一次他因工作很晚回到家后，他妻子指责他又去赌博了，可他发誓说这次是因为工作。"我祈祷上帝你说的是实话，"妻子说。

"如果我说谎上帝便赐我于死。"

"那我祈祷上帝你是在说谎。"他妻子充满希望地说。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-23 08:16

SHE'D RATHER BUY A GIFT

While on a trip, Mom realized that she had forgotten a present for Dad's birthday. "That's okay," he said, "The only thing I want is for you to love, honor and obey." Mom pondered that idea and then replied "I'd rather buy you a gift."

她宁愿买一件礼物

旅途中，妈妈想起她忘记给爸爸买一件生日礼物。"没关系，"他说，"我最想要的东西是你的爱、忠贞和温顺。"妈妈沉思片刻后回答说，"我宁愿给你买一件礼物。"

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-23 08:17

THREE PEOPLE

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."

三个人

有一个人参观墓地时见到一块墓碑上写着：“在这里安息的是约翰凯利，一个律师，一个诚实的人。”“这是怎么回事！”他叫了起来。“他们在一个坟墓了埋了三个人。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-23 08:18

GOOD ADVICE

The portly sales manager was getting ready to leave his doctor's office after a routine examination. "Here," said the doctor, "follow this diet, and I want to see three-fourths of you back here for a check-up in three months."

忠告

臃肿的销售经理做过常规体检后，正要离开大夫的诊室。“听着，”大夫说，“遵守这个食谱，我希望3个月后再来这儿体检时能见到四分之三的你。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-23 08:19

TELEMARKETER

I answered the phone one evening and quickly realized the voice on the other end belonged to a telemarketer.

"Good evening," he said, "may I speak with Leah Jonason?"

"She is a baby, " I replied.

"All right," said the caller, "I'll try again later."

电话推销员

一天晚上我接了一个电话，对方的声音使我很快意识到他是个电话推销员。

“晚上好，”他说，“我想和利厄乔纳森说话。”

“她是个婴儿，”我回答说。

“没关系，”他说，“我以后再打。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-23 08:19

MODERN LIFE

Two old friends got together after many years and soon fell to discussing their husbands' faults.

"We've been married fifteen years," one woman said, "and every night after dinner my husband always complains about the food."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the other. "Does it bother you?"

"Why should it bother me?" her friend replied. "if he can't only stand his own cooking?"

现代生活

两个老朋友分别多年之后又见面了，很快就开始谈起各自丈夫的缺点。

“我们结婚十五年了，”一个妇女说道，“每天晚饭后，我丈夫总要抱怨饭菜。”

“真可恶！”另一个惊呼道。“难道你不烦吗？”

“我烦什么？”她的朋友答道。“他不过是忍受不了自己的烹调技术。”

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-23 08:20

THE FIRST TIME

Patient: I'm so frightened, this is my first operation.

Surgeon: I know just how you feel. This is my first operation, too.

第一次

病人：我很害怕，这是我第一次动手术。

外科医生：我完全理解你的心情。这也是我第一次动手术。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-23 08:21

GOOD SIGHT

Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?

Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the sun, and they tell me it's about ninety-three million miles away.

好视力

律师：你说你离事故现场约有35英尺，你能看清多远的东西？

证人：这么说吧，早上起床后我看见太阳，别人告诉我这大约有9300万英里远。

老于 · 发表于 2008-1-23 08:21

EXPENSIVE ADVICE

The doctor finally reached his table at a dinner, after breaking away from a woman who sought advice on a health problem.

"Do you think I should send her a bill?" the doctor asked a lawyer who sat next to him.

"Why not?" the lawyer replied. "You rendered professional services by giving advice."

"Thanks," the physician said. "I think I'll do that."

When the doctor went to his office the next day to send the bill to the woman, he found a letter from the lawyer. It read:

"For legal services, $50."

昂贵的建议

大夫在打发走了一个就健康问题向他咨询的妇女之后，最后来到餐桌上。

“你认为我应该向她收费吗？”大夫问坐在身边的一个律师。

“有什么不应该？”律师答道，“你通过提建议提供了职业性服务。”

“谢谢，”大夫说道，“看来我得这么做。”

第二天当大夫去办公室给那位妇女写账单时，他收到律师的一封信。信中写道：

“请付法律服务费５０美元。”

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-23 09:12

There was a man who was drunk and was “zig-zagging”

as he got onto a bus. As soon as he was on the bus,

he said, “Who lost a bunch of 100 dollar bills with a

rubber band around it?” A lot of people ran toward him

and said, “Me, me, me!” And he said,

“Here’s the rubber band.”

异想天开

有个喝醉酒的人踉踉跄跄地坐上公交车。他一上车就说：

「谁掉了一叠用橡皮筋捆起来的百元钞票？」

一堆人冲过来说：「是我！是我！」他说：「那条橡皮筋在这里。」

benben89 · 发表于 2008-1-23 09:14

A woman went into a bank and wanted some money

from her account. She said, "I want to withdraw

some money." The cashier said, "Identify yourself,

please." So the woman took out the mirror and said,

"It's me, all right! It's me."

证明身分

有一个妇人去银行要从她自己的户头里领钱，她跟银行人员说：

「我要提款。」银行人员回答：「麻烦你先证明自己的身分。」

所以那个妇人就拿出镜子照了一下说：「嗯，是我自己，没错！

英语每日一笑（天天更新）

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