语言紊乱症

你是猪。

正常：You are a pig。

TOEFL症：You are certainly no more than a pig。

(你也不比猪好多少。)

GRE症前期：It would not be unjustifiable to claim that you resemble a pig not only superficially but also intrinsically。

(声称你不论表面还是内在都与猪有相似之处，这绝非空穴来风。)

GRE症后期：You are porcine/swinish/hoggish。

(豕者，乃之类也。)

你脑子是不是坏了？

正常：Are you crazy or what?

TOEFL症：It’s a question whether or not you are crazy。

(脑残还是不脑残，这是个问题。)

GRE症前期：Query whether or not the brain of you is still performing its function as normally as one would expect it to be。

(我现质疑你的大脑是否如预期般处于正常运行中。)

GRE症后期：Are you asinine/obtuse/vacuous/fatuous/lunatic/frantic/frenetic/paranoid?

(汝失心矣！)

我爱你

正常：I love you

TOEFL症患者：I can’t stop loving you。

(我无法停止爱你。)

GRE症前期：I would wager that no one all over the world could honestly claim that they feel a stronger affinity towards you than I do。

(我打赌，这世上无人敢用真心保证，他对你的眷恋会比我对你更深刻。)

GRE症后期：I woo/dote/adore/coddle/cosset/spoil you。

(私心慕之)

你扯淡！

正常：Bullshit!

TOEFL症患者：You are talking absolute nonsense。

（你说的完全没有意义。)

GRE症前期：What you are talking about rests on myriadsof unsubstantiated assumptions, which render it ridiculous as it stands。

(你的言论纯粹是建立在一堆抽象而荒谬的臆想之上。)

GRE症后期：You prate/waffle/babble/prattle/piffle!

(甚矣
汝之不惠！)

分析总评：TOEFL患者的典型症状是一句简单的话一定要绕个弯表达；GRE前期患者的典型症状是句子结构复杂化，语言风格华丽化，有政客演讲的风格；GRE后期患者的典型症状是回归古典，语句精炼，用词晦涩，高深莫测。